I was struggling today. I know what I'm struggling with too, and this season in my life has been a new one, a one where I can clearly see God moving me closer to him, to trust him in newer ways. It's also a tough time in my life. Without going into detail about it I am feeling anxious today, restless. And a lot of times people like to see the Christian walk as black and white, and unfortunately I've heard it taught that way as well. "Your anxious?", they will say. "You've been sinning!" Really?!? I cannot see Christ saying that to anyone!
I've been reading this book on depression which I've battled with in my life. It's a book that is causing me to see depression/anxiety in a different way. First of all, depressed people are all too honest about life, which is our problem. And the problem with depressed people is that we allow honesty and reality of life to stop us from walking in faith in spite of the situation before us. When we are discouraged, insulted, unmotivated, we see that and stop walking, stop moving, stop everything - we allow the situation to kill us. When we see the world as evil and people as evil, and so on, we want to stop, we want to throw our hands up and give up. "What's the point?! The world is messed up! The church nowadays is legalistic, uncaring, self-righteous and doesn't know God at all! So we just need to stop going to church!" This is common train of thought of a depressed person. Everything loses it's meaning, everything becomes pointless.
Ed Welch, the author of this book defines depression as "your thoughts [always] turning back on yourself. The self cannot carry that load. The way we were intended to function was to be able to look outward, toward God and other people." So how am I to get past this? As of lately God has been growing me and causing me to see through His eyes, and to truly fulfill the greatest commandment, to love God and love others.
But what about when I'm struggling? What does that say about my faith? I used to be so fatalistic and remorseful over my struggle to walk by faith and not by sight. I saw myself as weak, a man with no faith. And the the cycle of depression becomes two fold. I'm depressed because I'm depressed! Oh wretched man that I am! Who will save me from this body of death! Paul says this in Romans 7, and I would often feel like that.
But Ed Welch put a new spin on faith, which completely changed my view on not just depression but my daily walk in general. Ed Welch says that "contrary to what we might think, God says that strong faith can coexist with emotional highs, lows, and everything in between. It is a myth that faith is always smiling. The truth is that faith often feels like the very ordinary process of dragging one foot in front of the other because we are conscious of God...faith feels many different ways. It can be buoyant; it can be depressed and lifeless. Feelings don't define faith. Instead, faith is simply turning to the Lord...faith is the working of the Spirit of God in our hearts...faith is not the presence of warm religious feelings. It's the knowledge that you walk before God".
And I could go on. But my struggles with whatever do not put a damper on either my faith nor my ability to walk with God. Faith is not being "happy" all the time (what does that mean anyways?), but it is walking with God, pursuing God, and being conscious of God despite the way that you feel. That is true faith. You say you feel depressed and yet still praise God? That is stronger faith than the one who always feels joyful! You say you feel anxious and yet still function in the strength the Spirit provides, that is very strong faith!
Faith is not walking on sunshine, it is draggin' your feet. I will drag my feet, and I will crawl, if only to walk with the Lord
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